Monday, January 31, 2011

B- Day!!

Dear All-
If we could live truly like it were our last, this is what it might look like-
Clean the kitchen Floor, vacume the stairs, write a letter to your family about all your cluttered pieces not needing to be saved- breath into fear from way up high- seeing it from the view of an eagle- LOOK! it can be seen like a mouse in the crannie of a rock wall a mile away, but what else can also be seen? You name it, IT can be seen. The thousands of loving wishes like thought balloons wafting through the light filled air, spilling precious atoms of love that fall like gold-dust or pollen from heaven on any wound life has to offer—voila TRANSFORMATION- see the salmon in the river - the salmon that is courage- Salmon of courage is a much better meal than a measley little mouse of fear. What else can be seen? a fine winter day like none before - this day of now- if we live today like it might be our last, who would you call? who would you disown? who would you betray? what cause would you give all your money to? what would you pack? what would you eat? how would the coolest cascade of water down your throat feel for the last time, maybe it would actually feel like the FIRST time? What treasure would you expect to find , it would be in the mundane, the missing salt cellar's spoon under the stove? - How much time would you spend on Facebook? Blogging, email? JUST ENOUGH!
If one could live today like it might be the last, be like an eagle-see it all, you would choose what will consume your awareness with great discrimination. You'd be able to see the dirt on the kitchen floor no less profound than mother's milk. The geranium on the desk no less precious in its greenness than any emerald .
Today is not the last day of my life- but it is the last day I will live with two beautiful breasts. Thank you to my wonderful left breast that fed my children, was admired by countless eyes, envied unnecessarily by some, surrendered up to keep teh rest of body ALIVE to live each and every one of the next days of my long, and beneficial, and precious life a little like it might be my last.

For all reading this and all those who are only FEELING it- rest with me in the peace of mind knowing I have good surgeons, a healthy strong body, and i expect goodness to prevail, we are in this life thing together- I am BEING- and being open to ALL your LOVE- from 6:30 am until noon, Tuesday Feb 1, please envision white light and healing rays of peace, love and joy to everyone- as if it might be the last time, and dedicate it to ALL WOMEN EVERY where who will be also be having breast surgery tomorrow morning or any surgery or to what ever it is that makes you feel bigger than a mouse of fear! I'll take my salmon sushi style please - Blessings and I'll write again just as soon as I have a free minute!

I'll be at St. Joseph's (my brother is Joseph) Franklin and 18th St. Denver. For one night or maybe two - if I'm liking the food! :::)))

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Your love pours in

The love pouring in is so intense and palpable I stand like a withered willow tree bursting into bloom in mid-winter! Every ripple from every drop of this love like rain falling onto and merging into the very veins of my experience—from each of you, my family of fiercely devoted friends. May this over-flowing refuge circle out to every being, friend, foe and in-between- and may this very same conjoined love return to each of you a thousand-fold even as the edges of our sea meet our earth completely and my body opens and swells with your healing waves—every thirst/fear relieved… palms together I am strengthened beyond words…thank you dear loved ones

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Results of doctor visit on Tuesday

Lumpectomy? Mastectomy?…the envelope please…

and our winner is: MASTECTOMY!!! Left breast.From yesterday—my oncologist and surgeon completely agree that the mastectomy is necessary, and with access to all the reports and images, it is clear to Frederic and I there is quite a bit of breast tissue compromised by the DCIS. The very good news is they expect to fully "cure", (their words not mine)- this cancer with surgery, because of the stage and the non-invasiveness= grade zero. That said, the final diagnosis will be settled during surgery, but they expect no surprises. The good news is I can expect no radiation OR chemo therapy. That part is a great blessing!Slept well last night, but woke feeling a struggle in my heart- sadness that i have to put my family through an ordeal, and also that I have to suffer. So I'm working on the suffering part—careful balance not to be a "heroic" boob, (yes all pun references to breasts are intentional)- but also to honor my fears. Love and full chested embraces to you-

Monday, January 24, 2011


so you know

i'm creating a place where friends can literally stay 'abreast' of the amazing new journey through boob cancer that I'm just beginning to explore…Over the next few days I'll be documenting a time table and some of the interesting moments that have been unfolding around the discovery of my left breast having DCIS-0 [ductal-carcinoma-insitu grade zero]
Tomorrow F & I meet the surgeon and oncologist. I'll post the moments that are most significant- and invite all of you dear ones to send me [and my boobs] a big smiling oogling cyber embrace full of joy and love- until then, thanks to Chrissy Offutt for the suggestion on the blog I hope it will be an easy place for you all to drop in and know i would write each and every one of you a personal note- soon i won't have the energy for awhile— sleep well and smile often it is good for your health!