Saturday, June 25, 2011

Laying to Rest—Keeping Abreast

Now that the season has changed from Spring to Summer.
Darkest days of Winter, literally the coldest days on record in Denver I was "cocooned" and deeply internal, passing through surgery, the aftermath, the transisting to Spring- Spring= with it's Oncology Skyline treatment center-Chemotherapy- all of your energy poured into me as I sunk deep into the elements of my body rearranging roots, and fibers, tendrils, down to the very corm. 
Time passing…
Summer light opening toward everything potentially  experienced with a new reason of being- patience and determination prevail.
In a week, July 1- it will be exactly 5 months from the day of surgery, and I will begin taking the second prescribed medical protocol of either tamaxofin or aramatase for 5 years. I've been queasy about this part because it is such a long time, yet the stats show instead of a 24% mortality rate (or chance of recurrence and death- with the chemo only), I gain another 9% benefit so would be down to a mere 15% chance of being dead from cancer in 10 years. That's it, those are the odds. Done! 
Now it's all up to me, my choice, my attitudes, my endeavoring.

I can't express how much it has meant to me that you you have each kept abreast of this incredible experience! Suffice it to say- I know in my deepest felt sense, in my heart,  your support of this blog kept me present in this world. It has been the greatest of outlets for a simple creativity and sanity. Long days of silence and solitude deeply internal movement of the mind found expression and connection to the outside worlds of each of you. It has been like being with a true family as expansive as the sky and as solid as the earth holding me everyday in its arms. 

The blog has had over 2200 reads, from multiple countries and it is somewhat shocking to think there is so much interest and participation.  Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

I feel it is important now to turn to new projects, return to hospice care-giving and complete the investigation and plans for Morning Glory—in other words increase my activity- Note I'm being very careful not to use the word: 'busy'- The very last thing I want to ever do is return to any kind of busyness.
Equally important, I never want to cling in any way to this blog or to any of your support by continuing to post material that does not directly relate to my experience of breast cancer. As I continue to incorporate the healing of cancer surgery deeply into the tissue of my body, my energy must naturally shift outward, like summer- heliotrophically toward new growth, new light. 

and then there is autumn ahead, and the harvest to come…


The teachings these days (Mahamudra) are all about leaving nothing out. Meditation with the eyes wide open. The question: What's to be avoided?  Nothing.
My body image changes. I watch when and where I feel self-conscious, especially these brilliant days when I forget about the new considerations I must make for a simple trip to the pool! As I return to a more normal physical state as my hair thickens and lengthens across my pate it is like I am returning from a long [5 months]- successful refuge in a cave. When the refugant returns to the mundane world of the marketplace and worldly affairs there is a danger of forgetting the hard work of deep stillness and insight  — these writings this format and platform has been my scratching on the cave wall for others who may follow may it be a source of cheer and humor, maybe a resting place from your own challenges of the day, at best a moment of encouragement!

Thank you all for caring, for your incredible, enduring care!
love, e

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