Monday, February 28, 2011

KNIT video and one video PEARL

Before- watch WITHOUT SOUND


AFTER_Watch WITH Sound!

Continuing to heal which takes  a lot more time than I figured on- some days feeling quite chipper followed by a few days of decrepitude. Cobwebs in mind and arm pit- found the courage to locate a video on the procedure: an animation which if watched without sound, is actually pretty interesting- then back to single-cells
Speaking with Aubrielle I show her a poppy seed and say- 'look how small it has the potential however to grow into an amazing plant with many blossoms that size of (breasts)'- so I'm looking at the fact I only had tiny small areas of cancer on nodes but what might a cell of cancer become?
Looking at history of cancer first mention in 583 BC. Egypt  -Also hundreds of tears ago some thought cancer was caused by melancholia- or the feeling one had not served God to one's fullest capacity- I think modern medicine has left out a whole system of understanding- it seems from my perspective important to treat the cancer as a complete systemic (to mean: no system of the person whether spiritual, emotion, biopshysical.biopsyhological and cultural, and environment should be considered separate from all the others)

 I feel old today, but don't know what "old" feels like exactly- more accurately- I feel tired-  to the bone, or like paper in a book of dust. sterie strips beginning to lift and peel from the surgical incision showing newly minted skin and fine pink scar- It's kind of exciting - a really slowly reveling foreign landscape on my chest- like a fault in the earth's crust rising up out of a low lying plain. Each day the petals of the stitches will wilt and fall from the wound- I'll sleep on my stomach, stretch yoga and marvel at how the body knits itself- so frikken amazing!
About the photo-
I lifted my blouse and pointed the camera blindly toward my chest— took one shot- just wanting to show the sterie strips-that is what these are! The pinkish skin and little marks are the remnants of the drains placed under the skin- it is surprising…those still are very tender -

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

receiving with I hope, the gracefulness in which all graceful blessings arrive

Today has brought another overwhelming cascade of potent blessings:

  • First an early morning email: an associate from several years ago whom I had only a professional relationship to sent this amazing message this morning when she heard my diagnosis. I am  honored she has let me share this message with readers because of its open-hearted sense of community and trust! I have changed the names of her sisters and where they worked to protect her privacy.Thank you to this 'friend' for her courage, caring and compassion, I am so inspired. What better way to transcend boundaries than to look at our lives where they intersect another's - where our stories become medicine for each other and reliving them returns  medicine back to ourselves in an ever-widening, ever-deepening stream of healing.- this is blessing- this is faith.
I am so deeply sorry to hear of your breast cancer.  Well I believe there is a reason why people meet.  In my family my mom had breast cancer and had to go through a double mastectomy (I was the only child home at that time and in high school, made quite an impact on me).   My mother did make it through this in 1971 and lived to 80 years old.   I have two older sisters and both of them have had breast cancer.  With 'Lisa' (teacher in Olympia), she found it while her children were very young and was extremely worried that she wouldn't get to see them grow up.  She had a mastectomy and has been cancer free to see both of her children get through college and start to experience life on their own.  My oldest sister, 'Jane' was a professor at Middlebury had the breast cancer reoccur three times.  The last occurrence was found as she was going to Paris and then to Ireland with some of her post grad students.  She was not as lucky as it spread to her bones and eventually other organs.  It is so hard as breast cancer just doesn't seem to make sense.  The one good thing that occurred while Jane went through her last battle was that her and I actually got to know each other.  She was so much older than me, and had left for a private school in high school resulting in the fact that we never spent time in our parent's house together at the same time (anyway that I could remember).  When this happened to her, I had her flown here to Denver and was able to spend every day of her last nine months with her, and we could share our lives and actually got to know each other as sisters.  It isn't fair as she was only 60 and she had so much more to do.   So far I haven't had to experience it myself, but with my family history I just don't know the future.I wish you all the good fortune for getting through your upcoming chemo.  Each year they come up with so many new findings that I have a good feeling for you and will pray that all goes extremely well.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help (rides, picking up needed items, talking etc.).  I will be thinking of you throughout this and would love to help in any way possible.
 Thank you so much for sharing.
  • Second I received a card from Anita that has world Goddesses from many different cultures altogether, including- the Black Madonna of Chartes, Virgin of Guadalupe, Tara, and Sophia. I have NEVER seen anything like this and I have seen HUNDREDS of goddess images! Wow! 
  • Third: a book Peter and Margaret " Marion Woodman's Dying into Life : BONE! It terrifies an tantalizes
  • Then more medicine: Integrative Oncology arrives from M & T-  this is along side Dr. Love's book from Cordelia  bookends of balance between western and innovative oncology- I am covered, armed, ready… 
  • Mountain Sun with K. he hands me an arm full of tees  to cover the tits of my whole family with big shining SUN SUN SUNs- thank you K.
  • Finally, yet another very welcome dinner of love from June - an aromatic deep dish lasagna bubbling over with every kind of sustenance love has to offer-also june and I stand in the kitchen tears and sacred sharing- thank you June, you made me believe in the power of sharing my stories.
So thank you to all for an amazingly dizzying delightfully abundant day! with simple GRACE Thank you!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Blossoming in Winter -26 days from Spring

Next to me, the summer geranium is blooming in winter! It is like receiving a healing and loving kiss from Nature itself. While the days are widening toward the equinox, I feel weirdly glad that the season will be waxing into full bloom as my body will be in temporary wane with cytotoxic drugs which will kill my white and red blood cells, the platelets that keep the blood together as well as new bone tissue, skin, hair, nails and gums/mouth cells AND most importantly any CANCER cells floating around! 

Let the newly emerging narcissus and tiny nymphs of grass be my nails and hair… the geranium my red blood the Shasta daisies - white blood cells…the long stems of the Irises can be my bones and their furling blossoms my mouth- may the early lilacs lend me their fragrances & The earth's dark soil releasing it's energy- providing stamina-  all malignancy, each unwelcome weed of leafy spurge and creeping nettle will be, systematically and meticulously wrested by the roots daily until vanquished.  When the roses bloom, let me wear them like a crown and mantle of health—their petals unfolding in me—a return in summer!

Until then, the earth enjoys quiet final moments of winter—still, at ease, her body turns slowly in sleep preparing for one great moment of equanimity - neither dawn nor dusk greater or lesser-then awake!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Strong Medicine

Face it I have a lot of time on my hands these days- taking everything I do very slowly- I have a tremendous opportunity  to do  alot of navel gazing- and while I'm on the mend- posts like this one will manifest-
No apologies-
I am seeing startling stats that would indicate - i will have friends and family who will sadly have to go through some of the same experiences I'm currently going through-
Assuming - (we will agree with the stats for the purpose of this post- today anyway)-
I want what ever I'm going through to be of some sort of benefit for any one of you to whom this may one day apply- [Isn't it always happening to someone else?- For me, It was always happening to someone else before my own positive mammogram]
I will try and list all and any helpful information I run across- thankfully i have many many friends- who are sending me resources, and materials on multiple levels of healing and as I synthesize these and apply them- i will undoubtably share- Let me be your guinea pig-  your white mouse, your torch in the cave-

  • If i had had my first mammogram 3 years ago when i was 50- Maybe if i'd thought - i'll have a screening for my golden birthday present? Maybe I would really only have had DCIS-0 and there would be no chemo-I know this is 20-20 hindsite- but really if you are putting it off- and "know" you should go in- (I did for at least 5 years)- Then PLEASE do us all a favor and get it done- ounce of prevention or pound of 'cure' ?? Up to you!

The Buddha was a really crafty guy- he wasn't sure how he would be able to lead others through the necessary path to the great illumination that he had experienced- He thought: "This can't be taught"- -  He was ready to just enjoy his enlightenment- but he looked back over his shoulder and saw the needlessness of the suffering  because of "not-seeing"- Out of this overwhelming compassion for the sake of others- he devised the concept of going about it, (the teaching) like a DOCTOR  prescribing medicine!! How cool is this symbol as it relates to the condition I find myself- and seriously,  that I find us ALL in? way cool!
My teacher told a second hand story which has helped me a great deal -
A zen master was asked: "What is suffering/Pain?- He replied- Sensation + Aversion.
The body doesn't feel "pain" - it feels sensations-The body has no way to judge the sensations- but even on a rudimentary level- it seeks wholeness  (integrity) and wants to avoid dis-integration. The mind feels pain-  which is like sensation + aversion-The mind senses through the body the same sensational impulses- but it judges - like dislike- Investigating strange phantom and squiggly shooting tremors and stinging tissue throbs if I can look at these out the corner of my mind/body's eyes They are often intriguing- when I'm tired I watch the mind apply regret- like" Oh I might never be able to _________fill in the blank again because my arm is ________fill in the blank- I feel sudden unpleasant experience that I don't want to have (aversion) this experience.  Pain instantly appears as my primary focus-  almost instantly I'm suffering- (a mixture of emotional pulling, and sorrow, and regret- self-pity) Safety- the breath also arises the consciousness of breathing - today's dharma message in the book on the mantle: Who am I- that thinks I am carrying around this body?

I have been absorbing- that perhaps 'I' am not this body, mind, cancer-experience. For the moment let's say: What if I accept that this body belongs to (let's call  god for the purpose of this paragraph), this body is god manifesting god awareness- this mind also god-awareness manifesting itself, then wouldn't it  follow cancer also god manifesting god consciousness? Everyone is out racing around for a cure- The Buddha prescribed about 80,000 during his life time. Cancer as "other"? Other than what?— now that,… is a really interesting ?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Do phases of Moon effect cancer surgery outcomes?

Very interesting idea and one I'm really glad to see has been investigated-check it out- I'm not giving away the cat!

Last night i stood nearly naked in a white satin nightgown over long sleeved white sleeping shirt in the middle of the garden 2:30 AM soaking in the white light white heat of the nearest to FULL moon, moon- the ceiling of sky pale was etched with waxy moon-white. No sounds, no movements along any streets- the hum of any car silenced for the spell in the garden-
even the stars giving way to the spill of night's perfect egg of light. Me and the BLACK cat, in moon worship heeding the new directives on my Wolf card from the medicine pack at Natalie's sanctuary. This moon is happy- did you look? gleefully reigning with her Athena-inspired smile. &
I'm still awake since that moment, and now it's 2:11 PM, I'm contemplating a moon-shade nap, but, before that, be advised the NEXT FULL moon is the last night of Winter! Spring Equinox March 20. I wonder what kind of moon rhythms might relate to the infusions of cancer killing chemicals — the plateau of waxing the trough of waning!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

All the Wisdom in the world…

Can be summed up by a small word with universal dimensions!
JOY! I believe I actually do get it - it's a lot more interesting than rocket science

Of all the Wonders:
I am still being kept afloat by the boundless kindness of hundreds of friends and family-
I hope each and everyone of you dears understand that every petal of every flower, each mouthful of delicious soul-food, every mile crossed to bring me letters, each vowel and consonant tapped into emails, every thought and prayer, each incredible day of help with house chores, every sound of your voices in my ear from the telephone bring immeasurable benefit, healing gratitude from the ten-directions of my newly exposed heart- [where little more than two weeks ago a breast full of cancer rested, today my heart beats visibly like a warm pocket watch in the vest of my contentment.

It's fine to run the numbers and dissect the heart of matter- but when all is said and done- the numeral Uno thing that makes any difference or truly matters is peacefulness, contentment with what is, relaxing, letting go- and enjoying the ride— I begin to see that if I do indeed find myself in the 'infusion-suite' at Kaiser Permanente, at least I will be able to practice metta* continuously there for each one present- the patients, and also the nurses, the doctors, the waiting room attendants, myself— the unseen particles of hope and the filaments of fear-nothing left out,  all of us all the while-
One friend said: " Oh good you can at least use your mind.- I understand it this way- Oh good I'll be of service- I can 'milk' this experience for all it's worth- it's milky whiteness like the energy of the moon pulling tides across the entire planet—the force of love for others the medicine of compassion - all the rest is grist…

*metta": pali for "loving-kindness practice
easy direct description of the practice linked here for all interested

with palms together bowing— be joyful, protected from any kind of harm, at peace and perfectly contented

Love YOU-

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Wizard of ODDS

KNIT 1: The oncology Wizard of ODDS can't really tell you anything- all she can show is  how many people are still alive in 10 years who have your level of breast cancer (even that is inexact- the range of others in my stat pool are categorized with the numbers 1-3) with my case being more a 1 and so the mean stats are weighed slightly less favorable only because I'm in with people who are 3's_  Good news i can cheat the numbers a bit into the more positive range- soo?
And it's Monday AM but the oncologist who is the same age as I am already has bloodshot eyes. You can tell she uses a really good SPF hand cream because her hands are almost milk-blue white without even the hint of a sun-brown 'age' spot- but further up above her wrist, a few little freclkles are beginning to merge into a larger diameter of tell-tale liver colored skin. It's routine for her she lets me know its hard for her too - to be a cancer doctor- she wishes this were more fun- face it she is dealing with the sick of the sick everyday. And she is all too familiar with the ODDS, all things being EVEN. She is more stooped than any of my same age friends and I worry about her developing osteoporosis. Still she is a smart girl from Austin university med school with residency at U of Chicago so I can feel confident she knows how to read and interpret the info that frankly I've just read up on and I did not have to get through med school in order for us to communicate about the #s-

Anyways- if treating BC with only surgery, in 10 years only 15 % of persons will still be alive- (this is using 100 people as the pool) with chemo the ODDS jump to 24 % with chemo and combining chemo with 5 years of hormone therapy it increases another 9% or 33 will still be alive- that is by today's standards of treatment- in another year or five or 9.7 the ODDS may be different based on new therapies. Then radiation experts will want to add their %s to the mix, treating the chest for any lurking cells even tho the surgeon says ALL margins are clean- surreal and yet everyone will do all they can to stay alive as long as possible - that is the given, Still it's our CHOICE on all of it-. I feel lucky? but I never gamble or play lotto or slots or any of it I even feel uncomfortable playing rock - paper-scissors- luck isn't a very comforting escort even if he is sexy- Luck may lay down a coat over the puddle if the numbers are right, but he will just as likely flip a coin to see if its your jacket or his he uses- The operative that tips the scales seems to be CHEMO-

Pearl 2:
We toured the "infusion" ward- everyone looks sick and also completely engaged in "getting better"- you know that commercial where everyone is a numeral as they walk down the street? You could almost see the numbers above their little bald heads- no one making eye contact- soon I'll be one of them sitting in the easy chair, cozying up to my drip bag of CYTO-TOXIN This & That. A neophyte BC patient healthy-looking weary from surgery will be escorted in for a "look-see" and I probably won't make eye contact out of a weird protective wish for her faint-daze-gossamer of false privacy or maybe I might just a whisper of a wink a tiny gesture of: "it's okay Cancer is embarrassing for all of us".
WE are ALIVE we are WHOLE and holy even if we do have a few holes here and there-  It sad kind of that it's a meat-packing kind of efficiency - the roll-call, the hope- and it is true hope- then there are the numbers- the schedule- the drugs the remission the waiting- there are no signs for health- nothing to indicate the cancer is checked or balanced-  - I leave this post with a message Lara sent me a few days ago-
"Do your best, don't worry, be happy and leave the results to God." -Meher Baba

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Knit 1 • Pearl 2— no sweat

search google image 620326 #1
search google image 620326 #2 note date Feb., 2

Jan.31, 2011 black & blue

º In addition to any pre-ramble—I will be posting detailed comments under these two headers each time I write a new page:  
Knit 1 • Pearl 2
  • KNIT 1THE PHYSICAL PLANE, Actual healing — nitty gritty weirdly pretty- measurements, procedures, weights, body memory, any thing about the adjustments in my body— an on-going personalized almanac concerning the research, the doctors, medical conversations, the stats etc. Some readers are keenly interested in how the cancer manifests and the changes based on new information becoming available; stuff about the science or medical approaches— I suppose as a way to have a vicarious relationship with cancer at safe distances- {ARMS length if you will}…I also need, in a very basic, grounded way to register and have documentation so I can recall the many gross observations and finer nuanced sensations of this wondrous body-electric.
  • PEARL 2THE METAPHYSICAL PLANE, and what is gleaned — witty giddy sometimes pithy anecdotal memoir-style discoveries of selfless-determinations based on the knitting of my body as it relates to the diamond body of wisdom and greater universal understanding. Newly discovered capacity for even greater compassion which each of us yearns for, learns of, practices. Here is the space for image, lore, sutra/sutures, and serendipitous and or oblique encounters between the two planes.
Knit 1- Pathology report read Wednesday 2PM sitting in bed still very cold outside - I get up each day and dress- I do not sleep in my day clothes or stay wakeful in my pajamas. I feel this helps me to regulate my normal routine and helps me move into health quicker - it is also a way for me to exercise my left arm which feels the size of a telephone pole, but eyes not deceiving- looks almost exactly the same size as my right in the mirror. Pathology report: 
  • Quoted: "Received fresh in a container labeled "Elizabeth Lahey, left breast" is a 1,030 gram (2.27 lbs.) breast that is oriented with a short suture at the superior margin and a long suture at the lateral margin. The specimen measures as follows: Breast, 20 x 20 x 4.5 cm. All margins are intact and inked as follows: Superior/anterior, blue; inferior/anterior. green; deep, black. Sectioning shows a firm pink-tan nodule at the 2:00 position and 3 cm from the nipple, 1.0 x 0.8 x 5 cm. This nodule has ill-defined borders that come within 2 cm of the deep margin and 2.2 cm of the overlying skin. At the 12:00 position and 5 cm from the nipple is an area of dense gray-white tissue, 5.2 x 3.1 x 2.4 cm. This area has a pink-tan, granular appearance and a .05 cm biopsy site is identified. All gross margins are > 1 cm for both the 2:00 and 12:00 tumors. A discrete tumor is not grossly identified. The remaining cut surface shows dense gray-white parenchyma admixed with yellow-tan adipose tissue."
PEARL 2- The atomic weight (a dimensionless physical quantity aka: [the ratio of the average mass of atoms of an element (from a given source) to 1/12 of the mass of an atom of carbon-12]), of said breast defined above is: 6.203e+26 . Six point two zero three e + two six—

  • So I do a google image search on the number 620326 and add the words NASA- because remember I'm also looking at star nurseries and diatoms- my breast cancer is NOT the only thing on my RADAR!- Ha! Look what is tho!!??:  ∞∞∞  results- small page of few random images, mostly model airplane kinds of stuff- BUT, two strange images catch my eye [see above] 
  • I click on the lima/white jpeg, and what starts to instantly download is a NSID report for January 31, 2011. This document turns out to be a 304 page PDF table of all the unidentified flying objects reported to NASA, and it is dated within the 24 hour period of my pathology report 2.1.2011- as Bugs Bunny would say: "I bet you meet some vaaaaaaaarrrrrryyyyyyy innnnntttterrresting monsters……"! I think, HA! this is a lot more fun. Humor is so healing. GLEANING, an ability to look at things from many perspectives means, flexibility, curiosity, and discovery, can lead to wonder and joy - Joy and Wonder in the face of loss is very healthy wholesome.
  • So- Enjoy! any one who would like a copy of the ufo-report, you know where to find me!, it's really cute with wonderfully imaginative descriptions like the following listed sightings which are, yep, both # 620326: 
  • 620326
    Ramstein AFB
    West Germany
    thin, cylindrical object fly at an estimated Mach 2.7 
    6-8 red balls, arranged in a rectangular formation become 2

Thursday, February 10, 2011

girls- get your mammies checked out

if the shoe fits- and Mine doeslink to news-worthy breast cancer report

even tho 14 nodes were exhumed last week, and only one positive the fact C had traveled to any node at all is significant-
90% of cases in the study and which mirror my statistics (not necessarily my C) had a 5+ year survival rate-

5 years- enough time to do ANYTHING at all, and the rest is groovy-

Two night ago I had this dream-

[a monk in maroon robe and short black hair is sitting on the steps below the lotus thrones of the celestial buddhas. The monk seems to have been in quiet conversation with the buddhas kind of a business-like meeting quality to the scene- The monk says: " Oh and i wanted you to be sure to know that Elizabeth Lahey has been going through a trying time." The Celestial Buddhas answer: "Oh Yes, she is right here on our list!! ]

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

hot • sharp • fire • searing • icy • fire • sting • stab

Warning this post is of a "delicate" nature and squeamish friends are invited to skip it——in case any one thinks I might be 'taking this lying down' i assure all I'm all the way up and at 'em!
(Image courtesy of my BFF from kindergarten DAF.]
4:00PM--Today--  Dr. Kolpec the thirty something surgeon says: "This is like having an eye brow or bikini wax, it's not as bad as you think but definitely not the happiest part of your day-1. 2. 3". She RIPS with two hands entwined around the dual .25 inch hose/tubes sticking out of my side through two small stitched incisions! It felt like I'd had a tooth the size of a horse chestnut wrenched out by the roots [deep earthy curmudgeon-like] for all of 8.5 seconds, the dentistry images instantly replaced with a sensation rather similar to a flaming match being thrown onto a spot of BBQ lighter that had accidentally soaked into your tee-shirt, melting there for just long enough to….
YIKES!!!- and Yes!! was most definitely one of the most intense experiences yet…[almost automatically I begin listing out loud all the words that I could find to describe the intense sensations directly: hot • deep • fire • searing • ice • sharp • hot • dull • achy • fire • scald • sharp • acid • tingle • cooler • dull • softer • warm • cold • softer………• strong •…… pressure • ebbing • quiet • soft The naming acted to divert the mind from the unnamed four-letter word that rhymes with 'chain'.
Unbelievable RELIEF  — it's over  —   the tubes are out! & I no longer feel like a misplaced David Lynch character moping around the backlot of a creature feature flick

It turns out the pathology report shows invasive tumors in several places in the lymphatic system of the breast- Still nothing outside the duct or the lymph system - also not out into the fleshing tumor producing areas, AND only .6 cc of cancer matter found in one single node, AND in typical cases, this cancer would not have been in the node at all the deterioration of the breast - or rather the advancement of the cancer doesn't typically correspond to having masses in the nodes- - not expected at all So while a grade 2 invasive diagnosis, Dr. Kolpec said, "It is barely a 2, and your prognosis is really really good!" She says in efforts to making me feel better or is it herself she is comforting?-humm?
- So good news because MARGINS were ALL clear-Means No To Radiation- well, so they say - however-reality and since both my maternal aunts died of brain cancer, a maternal cousin's 6 year old son died of optical nerve cancer and my maternal uncle lives with a liver tumor. I'm definitely opting for chemo. Oh yeah another plus, turns out i have 100% perfectly optimal estrogen receptor cells which will fit exactly the tamaxofin which will certainly be prescribed for the next 5 years or so-  Uh, bikini wax my ASS !!  #@$^+@#~%¶§∞¢£‘œ     ≠ |

Diatoms galaxies and nerve end/beginnings


It may seem strange I should direct your mind to diatoms and supernovas - cosmic dust- but this is EXACTLY what I was reminded of when I saw the magnetic-resonance images of my breast LACED with CANCER ( i hope I can get hold of those images to share later!!) - CANCER- the constellation of the moon, or crab nebulae; its own animal body looking like a spoked web of carcinoma— there is much to connect- to understand!
… near the same morning as my MRI, where radiant prisms and harmonic pitches took me out beyond the tube into a kind of orchestral rock light show- I heard an interview on Fresh Air with Brian May- I don't believe in accidental convergences- we create the world we live in every nano-second- might as well be an interesting one- not that we "create" phenomena like some narcissist's breakfast - more like our ability or inability being the only limit of what is possible before us- I wonder, if so, can I make it a wide open view-a view of cancer than includes diatoms and star nurseries- YES I CAN SIR!
Synchronicity is perhaps nothing more than quiet perception—seeing a multi-layered view of my experiences as a grand collaboration with DUST! What pattern, what beauty. I see the stardust falling on our earth sinking alive as diatom as particle cancer within the human-genenome , the cracks of space between all atoms surely big enough for a little stardust to fall through. Everyone knows right? The diatom- smallest creatures in the sea- feed the largest ones, and the whale resonates- magnetic resonating images to come!

nasa_supernova_pia11435star 2

Brian May Lead guitarist of British Rock band: QUEEN-

- On His Physics Dissertation"It's a study of dust. As simple as that. Dust, in this case, in the solar system. We're actually surrounded by it. The earth moves through a cloud of dust constantly and a lot of it comes down to Earth. My experiment was trying to figure out the motion of that dust. Where it's going, what it's doing, where it came from and what it means in terms of the creation of the solar system."

Joni Mitchell: "We are stardust, billion year old carbon…caught in a devil's bargain, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden…"

Sunday, February 6, 2011

saying goodbye—tuesday morning 2

Maitreya with breast

proof positives & body

Thought I would prove with a few images I made it through the surgery.
We huddled into my tiny cabinet of a studio to record a post op family foto op. I hope you can see what good spirits abound. -not in small measure to all the love that continues to pour into our home via email, phone calls, food delivery and prayers…continued gratefulness to all.
  • my left arm pit is completely numb- like when you get a big shot of Novocaine but your lip never thaws out- this creates a strangely disassociative and un balancing over arch of wonder and worry-'will I ever feel my arm again?'- 'is blood flowing there?', and other uglier thoughts I don't need to share.
  • I feel pretty good, but after an hour or two of conversation I want to nap for three and do so- obviously I am learning to adjust to new energy levels- patience and boredom and then writing some, eating VERY well- thanks to Magpie and dear Heather! Who knew the silver lining would taste gourmet?
  • first formal meditation practice on Thursday- found it easy to practice shamatha (calm-abiding), even in the surgery prep suite and then in recovery- awareness of breath always possible as long as there is awareness, meditation — interesting because the meditative states have no body boundaries that have changed in any way, tho deeper insights offer preview for much greater capacity only because of this body experience-

Thursday, February 3, 2011

snow • falling • falling • snow

bless every heart for every breath of concern, calls, comfort, and caring; food, cleaning touches and thought waves - it is not incidental nor insignificant and all gestures deeply most deeply felt and welcomed- thank you
I'll give the update here and then take a few days as needed to stay secluded just to heal and absorb- know i will try to reach each all of you over the next few weeks.
they found invasive cancer in one lymph node= took 13 out none other except the sentinel lobe affected - only 3% of invasive breast cancer is the type I have-

leave it to me to have a snotty little cancer! ha-

if now be the winter of my discontent it must be that a spring of discontent can't be far away. spring of discontent looks like 3 months of chemo-therapy, followed by daily radiation for another 4-6 weeks.

Justice Invocation of Maat

Great Mother of the Sun
Descend into the arms of the earth
Winged Goddess of balance
Come unto me who cry out to you
For justice and truth and strength
Help me find Balance in the world!
I call upon you to help balance the energies
In my life
I call upon you to bring the truth
Into all I do and say and feel
I call upon you to give me strength
To persevere on all levels in healing myself
On all levels
In organizing, in uniting
And in bringing a halt to all destruction!
I invoke
The black free-standing feather of Maat
The crystal star gleaming within
The outpouring of interstellar energies
Flowing and snaking through the earth
Filling every living thing
With the will toward harmony
And balance.
I invoke the point of equilibrium
The force of momentum,
Gravity and electron-spin resonance
Filling us with the song
Of balance.
I invoke the law of the universe
The innate justice
That governs all things
May I channel this energy in my work
May I be a conduit of the black flame of justice
And the silence of truth-in-action
Many we I unified with all living beings
Through the breath of Maat
And may her heart-beat fill my ears
As the sound of a singing healed life!
O Maat!
Mother of infinity
Goddess who guides the sun
The planets
And all the ever-moving stars
Guide me now in my our hour of need!
Great Cosmic mother
May it be so.

Tua Maati!
We invoke the black haired Goddess
Who balances the souls of all beings
Who, weighed with the heart,
Reveals all things.
May I enter the chamber of truth
And stand before the great power of justice
Maat, crowned with the feather
Reveal yourself in all your manifestations
We call forth the center of truth and justice
From within and without
We name this power Maat
And we manifest it here and now
As knowledge, will and action
Through the strength and energy of our arms
May the balance of Maat
Be done!
Through the clarity of our minds and loins
May the balance of Maat
Be done!
Through the black flame of justice in my heart
May the balance of Maat
Be done!
Tua Maati!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

LIFT and SEPARATE Surgery at 2-4 pm- details

Leaving at 11:30 this morning to begin this amazing ride! Lifted by so much LOVE just sending it out and out and all around- Thank you each for being with me and F, X, and A.
I'll be posting again soon-

Lifting and Separating a whole new meaning!
embraces to all- e