Saturday, July 16, 2011

Forgiveness • Flowers

It is regretfully very clear that my last post was unnecessarily disturbing to many friends and family who read news of the MRI I had to have for the small numbness of my little left toe- and that the initial selfishness of wanting attention has brought me more than I could have ever hoped for but not in the way I wanted- I am very sorry for causing undue worry or stress for any one who read the blog this week- I apologize to Obie and Sharron and the Blagraves, etc. and for posting in a big public forum without personally letting loved ones know before-hand. Pretty thoughtless-
So here is a bouquet of garden flowers to help make amends!! I love you all so very much and learned a very valuable lesson- I hope you have all been relieved- and yes the MRI was done yesterday (Friday AM) and was over in a blink and didn't cause me any harm—and if it makes my doctor feel more confident that he is doing his job then okay…  Please Enjoy the FLOWERS!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

All in my head…?

let's have a little fun- shall we?

Preparing for doctor ordered MRI of brain tomorrow morning—
•   •   •
Be careful what you say in the doctor's office people. Unless you feel like you might actually need to "go to the doctor"- don't EVER ask about mundane symptoms like left side body weakness, left eye tearing, or left shoulder being frozen, because the first thing they'll do is cover their ass with an order for an MRI!! "Let's take a look at your brain"… he says smugly. Don't get me wrong, I like my oncologist as far as that's concerned, but really can't you put me on the table and dilate my pupils with a little pin-lite, and bonk my knee cap with a rubber hammer for God's Sake? I mean before there were MRI's, how did they look at someone and determine if they had basic neurological functioning or not- I have no problems walking and when I feed myself, my spoon hits my mouth and not my ear, and I'm using both hands to type this- STILL, once the words are out of the mouth [insert mental image of Arabian genii in a bottle] : "Let's look at your brain"- there is no going back!

One could rationally expect that if someone had had 6 pounds of flesh cut off their body that the surrounding area might be weak for a period of 6 months of even 1 or 2 years- and maybe for the rest of one's life- Let's ask the war wounded, any one out there off the dusty roads of Afghanistan with a little left or right side weakness after an amputation? 
I imagine chemotherapy could produce small strokes to the brain… it does happen, but honestly- I was just looking for a little reassurance from Dr. Menter, that time would heal and not to worry—Don't look outside yourself for confidence or comfort, trust your body to move in it's own season and rhythm, particularly when your intentions are all in the same direction toward health- 
Am I afraid of a lttle whirrling magnet around my head or being in a tunnel for 40 minutes where I can slip deeply into calm-abiding? not on your life, but it's somehow extremely weird (scary) that if there is a blot a snowflake, a blood clot, a tumor in there— well…
oh! fuck this,  worry?- it's all in my head…………………
What I've been coming to lately - is touching—through a process of being very very still,  the essence or very beginning of an emotion- 

Every feeling (emotion) seems to begin with a true (feeling)- sensation of one kind or another- a true sensation that our primal awareness picks up from phenomena, is picked up by, of course, sense organs such as hearing, seeing, thinking, smelling, tactile, or taste. But instead of remaining this pure sensation, it gets flipped around really really quickly- like in a nano-second, gets misinterpreted somehow and blends with a non-existant factor- like a memory, here translated as (aversion)- whenever we have memories we are in the past not the moment, it's a mini-escapism— a drive to label something new and un-experienced, with a familiar label- the problem being the memory may or may NOT have ANYTHING to do with the experience (sensation) so we miss living authentically- or we produce a fantasy of the future- translated as (desire) -  kind of a: what if moment… again a drive to label the authentic experience with something completely MADE UP! 

When this blending is allowed to occur viola- emotion is born out of pure experience- Emotion is a secondary experience and because of emotions not being primary or authentically produced from the MOMENT of NOW - they can be manipulated, they can be caught in a way, controlled… we can capture the fear, or anxiety, or anger, or joy, or contentment, or love just as it is created- get that " the emotion " you have is a creation- it's not something that just happens to you- you can catch them and there by control your destiny! not doing this and not exercising our rights to living authentically keeps us bound to suffering. Dragged around willy-nilly by our own lack of self-responsiveness, we step into all kinds of traps, illness, etc.  So I am preparing for the MRI of my brain, a test- this is only a test, clear the palette-Time to simply SIT with it- Eat these words- & Let it go- let it be…
Blessings and love to all-

Monday, July 4, 2011

Uncultivated—another wilderness

The white wild morning glories are currently covering much of the uncultivated fields and byways between Denver and Boulder- responsible for blankets of white as far as the eye cares to see. Our own garden's wild corner is overrun with delicate twinning black-green vines and white poppyish, sun-loving blossoms, alive for the day. The black cat so difficult to photograph is awash in their glow this morning!

I'm happy as can be for the luck of finding the breast cancer restorative yoga class here in Denver! Taught by a former San Francisco ballet member, and ballet teacher Susan Holbrook.  Susan, is another native Californian, but we are just far apart enough, in age, to have missed each others' late 70's bay area terpsichore. Still our backgrounds in body development, placement and practice couldn't be more over-lapping or simpatico. 4 or 5 times a week she gathers a small group of women with breast cancer- including herself! into her lovely and lilliputtin studio for an hour and a half of direct relating to our chests, and new selves! The Healing Chest
The class starts with floor exercises, stretching, alignment, centering, and core strengthening exercises. We move to our feet face the floor to ceiling mirrors and see ourselves.  I spent 8 solid years in a dance studio everyday before the mirror, and never had I seen myself so deeply compassionately as I did this past Thursday when I looked at the great asymmetry of my shoulders, in a way I can't see at home in my little bathroom vanity. It was very moving. To be in a room with only breast cancer survivors was perfectly comforting. Where it becomes increasingly clear- possibly what we may have 'lost' is countered with a very deep gain…a gain we will discover unfolding over the entire remainder of our lives. Something about fearlessness…


I can't wait for my next class- so, the word restaurant comes from the word 'restaurer' which means 'to restore'. Restorative Yoga—Restaurant work, last night I dreamt I was so far in the "weeds" trying to serve the geriatric assembly of coffee drinkers, that the customers where actually helping me out!  " In the Weeds", my morning glories, my integrative wholeness, restorative yoga, a spiral return to the dnace/mirrors—nothing left out. Keeping it wild, fine black hairs sprouting on the uncultivated field of my head!