Thursday, July 14, 2011
All in my head…?
let's have a little fun- shall we?
Preparing for doctor ordered MRI of brain tomorrow morning—
• • •
Be careful what you say in the doctor's office people. Unless you feel like you might actually need to "go to the doctor"- don't EVER ask about mundane symptoms like left side body weakness, left eye tearing, or left shoulder being frozen, because the first thing they'll do is cover their ass with an order for an MRI!! "Let's take a look at your brain"… he says smugly. Don't get me wrong, I like my oncologist as far as that's concerned, but really can't you put me on the table and dilate my pupils with a little pin-lite, and bonk my knee cap with a rubber hammer for God's Sake? I mean before there were MRI's, how did they look at someone and determine if they had basic neurological functioning or not- I have no problems walking and when I feed myself, my spoon hits my mouth and not my ear, and I'm using both hands to type this- STILL, once the words are out of the mouth [insert mental image of Arabian genii in a bottle] : "Let's look at your brain"- there is no going back!
One could rationally expect that if someone had had 6 pounds of flesh cut off their body that the surrounding area might be weak for a period of 6 months of even 1 or 2 years- and maybe for the rest of one's life- Let's ask the war wounded, any one out there off the dusty roads of Afghanistan with a little left or right side weakness after an amputation?
I imagine chemotherapy could produce small strokes to the brain… it does happen, but honestly- I was just looking for a little reassurance from Dr. Menter, that time would heal and not to worry—Don't look outside yourself for confidence or comfort, trust your body to move in it's own season and rhythm, particularly when your intentions are all in the same direction toward health-
Am I afraid of a lttle whirrling magnet around my head or being in a tunnel for 40 minutes where I can slip deeply into calm-abiding? not on your life, but it's somehow extremely weird (scary) that if there is a blot a snowflake, a blood clot, a tumor in there— well…
oh! fuck this, worry?- it's all in my head…………………
What I've been coming to lately - is touching—through a process of being very very still, the essence or very beginning of an emotion-
Every feeling (emotion) seems to begin with a true (feeling)- sensation of one kind or another- a true sensation that our primal awareness picks up from phenomena, is picked up by, of course, sense organs such as hearing, seeing, thinking, smelling, tactile, or taste. But instead of remaining this pure sensation, it gets flipped around really really quickly- like in a nano-second, gets misinterpreted somehow and blends with a non-existant factor- like a memory, here translated as (aversion)- whenever we have memories we are in the past not the moment, it's a mini-escapism— a drive to label something new and un-experienced, with a familiar label- the problem being the memory may or may NOT have ANYTHING to do with the experience (sensation) so we miss living authentically- or we produce a fantasy of the future- translated as (desire) - kind of a: what if moment… again a drive to label the authentic experience with something completely MADE UP!
When this blending is allowed to occur viola- emotion is born out of pure experience- Emotion is a secondary experience and because of emotions not being primary or authentically produced from the MOMENT of NOW - they can be manipulated, they can be caught in a way, controlled… we can capture the fear, or anxiety, or anger, or joy, or contentment, or love just as it is created- get that " the emotion " you have is a creation- it's not something that just happens to you- you can catch them and there by control your destiny! not doing this and not exercising our rights to living authentically keeps us bound to suffering. Dragged around willy-nilly by our own lack of self-responsiveness, we step into all kinds of traps, illness, etc. So I am preparing for the MRI of my brain, a test- this is only a test, clear the palette-Time to simply SIT with it- Eat these words- & Let it go- let it be…
Blessings and love to all-