Laying to Rest—Keeping Abreast

Now that the season has changed from Spring to Summer.
Darkest days of Winter, literally the coldest days on record in Denver I was "cocooned" and deeply internal, passing through surgery, the aftermath, the transisting to Spring- Spring= with it's Oncology Skyline treatment center-Chemotherapy- all of your energy poured into me as I sunk deep into the elements of my body rearranging roots, and fibers, tendrils, down to the very corm. 
Time passing…
Summer light opening toward everything potentially  experienced with a new reason of being- patience and determination prevail.
In a week, July 1- it will be exactly 5 months from the day of surgery, and I will begin taking the second prescribed medical protocol of either tamaxofin or aramatase for 5 years. I've been queasy about this part because it is such a long time, yet the stats show instead of a 24% mortality rate (or chance of recurrence and death- with the chemo only), I gain another 9% benefit so would be down to a mere 15% chance of being dead from cancer in 10 years. That's it, those are the odds. Done! 
Now it's all up to me, my choice, my attitudes, my endeavoring.

I can't express how much it has meant to me that you you have each kept abreast of this incredible experience! Suffice it to say- I know in my deepest felt sense, in my heart,  your support of this blog kept me present in this world. It has been the greatest of outlets for a simple creativity and sanity. Long days of silence and solitude deeply internal movement of the mind found expression and connection to the outside worlds of each of you. It has been like being with a true family as expansive as the sky and as solid as the earth holding me everyday in its arms. 


The blog has had over 2200 reads, from multiple countries and it is somewhat shocking to think there is so much interest and participation.  Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Really!

I feel it is important now to turn to new projects, return to hospice care-giving and complete the investigation and plans for Morning Glory—in other words increase my activity- Note I'm being very careful not to use the word: 'busy'- The very last thing I want to ever do is return to any kind of busyness.
Equally important, I never want to cling in any way to this blog or to any of your support by continuing to post material that does not directly relate to my experience of breast cancer. As I continue to incorporate the healing of cancer surgery deeply into the tissue of my body, my energy must naturally shift outward, like summer- heliotrophically toward new growth, new light. 

and then there is autumn ahead, and the harvest to come…

•~•~•

The teachings these days (Mahamudra) are all about leaving nothing out. Meditation with the eyes wide open. The question: What's to be avoided?  Nothing.
My body image changes. I watch when and where I feel self-conscious, especially these brilliant days when I forget about the new considerations I must make for a simple trip to the pool! As I return to a more normal physical state as my hair thickens and lengthens across my pate it is like I am returning from a long [5 months]- successful refuge in a cave. When the refugant returns to the mundane world of the marketplace and worldly affairs there is a danger of forgetting the hard work of deep stillness and insight  — these writings this format and platform has been my scratching on the cave wall for others who may follow may it be a source of cheer and humor, maybe a resting place from your own challenges of the day, at best a moment of encouragement!

Thank you all for caring, for your incredible, enduring care!
love, e

to the Sea as far as I could see—then melting into space

REBIRTH that is the purpose and result of Pilgrimage

To celebrate and motivate my trek through CHEMo- F promised we would see the Pacific Ocean and all* my California family and friends— at the same time M & T (dearest friends I have had the great good-fortune to love for over 33 years) planned an historic visit to Denver. We decided we would make a 2-car caravan back through the desert and then rendezvous back in Carmel once we visited Cordelia, Chris and god-daughter Gracie, Will, Allison, dear Sussan and Richard, in Beverly hills, and Joe and Stacy with their goats and darling chickens in Redlands.

Chemo may have been monumental- but the Victory Lap was EPIC

Eating Artichokes, olives, and cherries on the cliffs with my dearest Meredith.

we traveled 11 days, over 3,000 miles, the first leg down through Glenwood Canyon where the Colorado River was lapping the high way

Biggest I've ever seen the Colorado- or the Sacramento. Green River over it's banks- horses standing in the fields up to their knees in water- Every where GREEN

Fond farewells and over the golden central valley foothills, away from M&T, Big Sur and white sand with moon milk on the beaches—  we shot up 300 miles on I-5 to Ono California to see my ailing Uncle who I adore- Two 10-hour days followed that, nearly breaking the camel's back (I do mean sweet Aubrielle)

*We sorely missed seeing and being with our dear ones: Chrissy Offutt; Mimi; Ken Malkin; Julie Cuccia; Shawna McGowen; Greg LeClair and cousin Josie—It only means second round and very soon! Wish we would have planned another week!

It has definitely been a long week recovering- but with care and joy and reflection. Now the work of renewal truly begins. The macrobiotic shift away from fats, sugars, and all processed food. The movement toward sea-vegetables (seaweed), juicing, and finally back to Yoga- [Yes, we did eat RED Vines and Beef Jerky at one point on the eastern slope of the Sierra Nevadas, in Susanville]-

Today-My body is both a pale frail atrophied version of its self, and a much more vibrant and transparent one—

This morning i felt the breeze in my sprouting hair- eyebrows darkening, - I would like more energy- the heat of summer keeping me slow, and then I remember the days flat in bed and slow is just alright with me!

It feels nice to be back home and to have been away- to see the familiar rooms and walls in new light with travel dust on them. I recommend a road trip for anyone in need of pilgrimage — a journey of significance

I saw an advertisement to day of a young woman in running clothes- the print over her head said- before I buy the plane ticket to Germany, I'm going to run there 100 times and back!

It seemed so puritanical and beside the point—What ever might be in Munich or Berlin or Hamburg that has the power to change your whole world view has nothing to do with running- 900,000 miles. And if you did run 900,000 miles you wouldn't have any time for travel!

Get out and go!

Through countless births in the cycle of existence

I have run, not finding

although seeking the builder of this house;

and again and again I faced the suffering of new birth.

Oh housebuilder! Now you are seen.

You shall not build a house again for me.

All your beams are broken,

the ridgepole is shattered.

The mind has become freed from conditioning:

the end of craving has been reached.

Buddha—The Dhammapada,

HOW I WISH 

Enough to make me smile—the mouth of babes

The following is a beautiful letter/email I just received from my sister in law. My 11 year old niece has written a poem in my honor! 


As if the angels descend to tap me on the shoulder when my doubt is at it's all time highest! Ashley speaks in my ear— thank you Pauline for sharing with me!


Hi Elizabeth,
Ashley's English class has been doing a unit on poetry for the last two
weeks and so today they had to read their poems out to the class and so hers
was for her aunt who has leukemia - when she told me I asked but which aunt
has leukemia and so she said Elizabeth. Anyway, I wanted to share the poem
with you. She said her teacher really liked it and had to wipe her eyes at
the end of it.

I hope you are doing well and feeling a little better and hopefully the
Chemo is over. 

Here is the poem...

Don't Let Their Weakness Bring You Down -

for her aunt who has breast cancer...although she told the class it was for

her aunt who had leukemia...

As you walk through they try to bring you down,

But don't let their voices get in and kill your own sound,

You are strong and can make it through,

You are the one that went straight through the pouring rain,

And followed your heart through the pain,

Why quit when you've made it this far,

Why not stick around and make it through one more battle scar,

In the midst of the black night sky you are the shining star,

Don't quit and fall down on the dark and winding stair,

Just meet the hardship with a stubborn glare,

You must go beneath the burning coal,

Because further down there is a fire in your soul.

I liked it and hope that you will be okay with it. You have had a big
impression on her and we hope all is well!

Lots of love to you,
Pauline

no more to say

[new video and stills from the 4th infusion, including a view of my studio window from the chemo suite - to come] until then…

It's OVER!!!!!!!! OVER OVER OVER !! ! now the nitty-gritty next two weeks of down time. Funny # 1 & 2 didn't have this dread fatigue like # 3, and doc says # 4 will follow suit, sleeping way too much will double efforts with Qi-Gong breathing walking and rejuvenating! 

there is little left to say that won't be simply chronicling "suffering this, and suffering that"—how we do our best, keep quiet when that is the most helpful and move on with grace and now a long cycle of true self-healing begins- the procedures and treatments behind, but the deeper life long habit breaking and new patterns that will evolve, emerge and enliven will become my daily work. Reflection, exercise, diet investigation, meditation, cooking for others, cooking up my life's intention, of right-livlihood, so that one day community change and the vows I make to help others may realize- moving on, speaking less, listening more, practising patience which is the remedy for anger. 

The nurses sang to me today and blew bubbles, "Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more no more no more no more- 4 x 'no more's that was the charm of the spell. 

I PROMISED them they wouldn't see me again!


I'm on the ROAD - Jack! The road to a cancer free future, with lots of work on fearlessness, body-love, a glorious new morning awaits us each day, may I be of benefit to each of you here on this page and circling that out then a benefit to everyone you know on your community circle and the friends of friends, and each of you a benefit to me, it reverberates like concentric circles rippling out from a stone of love tossed in the lake of stillness, tossed in the lake of chaos, a lake of action, a lake of withdrawal, the circling with nothing left out not even cancer, or the end of cancer. Not even chemo or the END OF CHEMO! Celebration. elation, emancipation!

New Comment window

Dear All- I have reorganized the comments window so it is much easier to leave comments- than before! I discovered an error I'd made in the settings pane. I hope to see more dialogue and stories of your own that my postings bring up! Blessings to each of you and prayers!
Elizabeth

Maze Day • Night Walk

For a dear friend and father— Dr. Fred Stricker, beloved by all having had the privilege to meet him.

this post is in honor of Meredith's dad, who left us in 2010, and we celebrate his life today May 18, his birthday, AND the 32nd anniversary of the first performance collaboration between M and I -
Night Walk-
I leave you with the Navajo Shooting Star Chant as I prepare fr the next and final INFUSION this Friday:

[round each bundle of feathers or plants, depending on form of ceremony. When the bundles are ready (and the number of the bundles increases with each night of the rite, five on the first, seven on the second, nine on the third, etc., and there is usually an uneven number) the Medicine Man takes up a bundle and presses it to the patient’s right foot, singing as he does it, and pulling the slip-knotted cord loose at the same time. He then takes another bundle and does the same on the other foot, then on the knees, thighs, breast, back, hands, shoulders, head and mouth. When this is finished, he takes up all the cords together and draws them from one hand to the other over these different parts of the patient’s body and sometimes waves the feathers round and over the patient’s head. The patient drinks an infusion of herbs and inhales some incense and the rite is over. The details vary but the form is always similar.

The body painting at night I have seen only in the Star Chant. It was on the fourth night and ended the ceremony of Hotchonji as they sang all night**, which always happens at the end of any ceremony, even a short one. The fact of a night’s wakefulness is most important for the patient’s healing.]

Please sing** like this for me—and if you find yourself awake at night, you'll know your wakefulness has a purpose… thank you each and everyone for all your deep caring, watchfulness and kind loving wishes!

My Bosom Buddies

This morning has glory all over it!

japanese silk print

morning glory pattern

jaguar woman print

Jo Self, Morning Glories, painted from the Dalai Lama's Garden

Well, I'm finally seeing the crack of dawn through the velvet night of cancer, ready to plan for the future, begin the return to living in the world at large, all is being completely reinvented, and it is glorious! **
[chem-3 fallout was co-mingled with the highest teachings of meditation in the Mahamudra retreat last week-end, nothing will ever be the same]


I'm feeling much much stronger than ever in months and months today] and-so I stand up, back to the future— I have had a dream to have a breakfast cafe all my life, and a few weeks ago when I was lifting back into life from chemo # 2, I had a true vision one morning of the whole enterprise in vivid detail display itself in my "mind's eye" as the saying goes, and so in an almost mystical chemo-floatingness, I drifted down stairs, found Frederic outside in the crystal light of morning, sawing wood for his beautiful home improvement project and said simply: "I want to start a breakfast restaurant." He said with out a single heart-beat of hesitation "OK, honey". Since then, every indication, image, and most importantly every important person in my large circle of important people to my life's structure have given me complete unconditional enthusiastic support. I have 4 weeks to complete my business plan. I have a Letter of Intent from a landlord for the lease space 2 blocks from our house in a very thriving neighborhood (a neighborhood without breakfast or coffee spot)— and the blessing and generosity and backing of two very dear old friends who want to partner as investors!  So many blessings continue to reign and rain down on me. I am so humbled.  The morning glory flower is a tenacious plant, enduring- even thriving in nearly any condition. Wild or cultivated, blossoms open for a single day with brilliant displays of azure sky and white-hot specks of sunlight in their middle. Impermanence perfected!
This entry is dedicated to all you who have endured the cutting, the chemicals, and burns, and are still dreaming, still thrivingly alive, still planning for the future all the while KNOWING more deeply than any other truth, that 'TODAY' is all that is ever given or ever needed, to BE today is ALL, nothing left out! •• 
I dedicate my efforts to realize this dream of mine to create this eatery in which to enjoy the freshness of the dawning day, beholding the morning each new day in it's glory offers us—to all of YOUR dreams, YOU are each my very special blossoming bosom buddies!  Bless you each and all.


Following is a tea recipe shared with me from my friend Anne T. it will be on the menu at MoRNING GLoRY!
Thank you Anne!

The Power of Four

Renee was not greedy with her Essiac Tea recipe. The following four main herbs make up the natural remedy tea for curing cancer:

1. Burdock Root. Traditionally used to:

* Help reduce mucus

* Maintain a healthy gastrointestinal tract

* Stimulate a healthy immune response

* Improve weak digestion

* Sweat out toxins through the skin

* As a diuretic for waster retention

2. Slippery Elm. 

Contains large amounts of tannins and mucilages that are believed to help dissolve mucus deposits in tissue, glands and nerve channels.

3. Sheep Sorrel. Used to:

* Cool the body

* Create sweating and detoxification through the skin

* Nourishes the glandular system

* As a diuretic to maintain healthy kidney and urinary functions

4. Indian Rhubarb Root. 

* Acts as a gently laxative and helps purge the liver of toxic buildup and waste. 

* Helps to neutralize acids due to indigestion. 

* Its malic acid also carries oxygen to all parts of the body.

* Aids in healing and promoting a positive, balancing effect upon the whole digestive system.

Making the tea yourself is quite easy. 

Renee recommended 1 oz. of tea with 2 oz. of water on a daily basis. Furthermore, you don't have to have cancer to benefit from Essiac tea. It is a great preventative measure and a superb detoxifier.