Wednesday, May 4, 2011
K just called and asked me "how are you CHEMO-SABE?"! This is interesting since when looked up what kimosabe means and according to Lone Ranger mythology- Tonto refers to the Lone Ranger as Kimosabe, meaning "trusted -scout".
On the trail and it is a craggy steep out under clear sky, pocked with white clouds and shimmering sun. Bird calls closing up for night, fainting shadows along the ever greening elm saplings and lilac scent enough to sicken the weak.
I realize talking with F this afternoon, I have "chemo", not "cancer".
Patience Patience—trusted scout on the range where I'm on the look out for small prideful moments that shut down the body/mind communication, let me drink it ALL in… I won't after all, have "CHEMO" for much longer!
Monday's realization, in the midst of deepest moments of fatigue which I call weakness, a very very subtle aversion to the body and then immediate sense this thought/feeling is like a miniature self-betrayal.
I instantly regret the arising of not wanting to be in the body- escape mentality- when sitting with the body, holding forth, gently cradling my own body with my body the mind eases and breath flows and there is a landscape of forgiveness and endurance- a welling up- maybe something like a runners second-wind? Place the breath in front of the body resting with the rise and fall, nothing more nothing less. No where to go- no where to come from, rising and falling just the breath in this body and feeling the poison working its mystery. Not even days and nights have boundaries when all is breathing. sleep from 4-11 wake from 11-4 sleep from 4-7 wake from 7-7,
sleep from …wake from …from ?…
eating red cabbage and cucumber I feel true joy.